Ten and Ten.

I think it's about time that I list some parts of me. A lot of the times I forget who I am when I go on pretending to be someone I'm not for so long. This is the easiest way for me to remember what I love and Hate in this hell of a life of mine. I'm going to try to start with listing just ten, but if I cant make it...forgive me. And if I go beyond, dont kill me. It just means I was just on a roll. I'd love for any comments. Love you all.

10 things I love.

1. When people hold me. I dont care if people think I'm lesbian or if I'm dating someone, I could care less what they think. But it means a lot when people hug me. Not just hug, but hold. The tight, warm embrace that reminds me that I actually am loved by some person or another. I need that connection to feel loved. And to be honest, if I get a hug, (and you're wanting me to open up because I look fake) then I will no doubt open up to you.

2. People listening. I have a lot of problems in my life, and all it really takes is someone to be there and listen. I could care less if you gave any feedback, criticized, or tried to help me solve my problems. I just need someone to listen.

3. People not letting me fall. Beleive it or not, but I just recently figured out that I can lean on people a little bit without slipping and falling. I've been so closed off in my life it's almost scary. But I'm starting to open up and trust other people little bit by little bit. So if I put some of my problems on you, remember I will gladly let you do the same to me. Just dont let me fall, please.

4. Being random. I can be extremely random, even with the stupidest things. So I ask, just go along with it. If I say something on line, dont be going like "OMG WTF." Just play along, all I want and need is a little attention. AKA meaning I had a pretty shitty day and need a little boost. If we're walking in the middle of town and I randomly start singing or skipping, join in, it makes the day just that more fun and amazing.

5. Having a shoulder to cry on. It isnt often that I cry. Actually it's really really rare. But if I cry, just let me get it out. It's what I need. I just need a shoulder.

6. Story time. Story time is when people tell me about their day, their issues and problems, and especially their dreams. I love listening to people's stories and trying to see everything from a different perspective. I never criticize, or atleast try not to. But I love love the challenge of trying to find a way to help in the jumbled jigsaw puzzle.

7. Helping people. I know I have issues, and it may seem that I surround myself in other people's dramas and problems to escape my own. It is only part of it however. The bigger part is that I love helping. I wanted to by a psychologist. I wanted to help people escape their depression, anger, saddness, and hurt. To help them get back on their feet. I gave up on the career path but I still love to help people. It's what I do best. You just have to be willing to open up. I cant help you if you dont say anything.

8. Being able to express how I'm feeling. As much as I try to hide, I often find it's pointless. I like being able to show I'm upset when I'm depressed. I like feeling like I can tell myself as well as everyone else what I'm feeling. Most of the time, when I'm hiding, I truely dont feel anything but numb. Feeling my emotions helps me understand my problems and wrap my head around them to try and figure out how to solve them. I like knowing when I hurt. (for the flipside of this look at Hate for Being told that I look depressed, or to cheer up and smile.)

9. Being told I'm loved. I dont like feeling hated. It's hard to talk to people thinking that they dont like me. It makes me uncomfortable. But that's only part of it. I like being told I'm loved because I often forget it. I wallow and yet thrive in this world of hate, pain and lies; as strange as it seems. But I often forget that I'm loved in this hell. Sometimes I just need to hear it.

10. Being the center of attention. As much as I claim that I'd die before I got up on stage or that I talk to people I dont know, it's all just fear of embarasment. I actually love to be the center of all eyes. I love to be talking to poeple and up in front of a class or on stage. I love that attention that you get in the spotlight as long as it's good attention.

11. Being a mother. As much as I say that I hate being the mother in my house, I like knowing that I can take charge. I actually like being in power. Even if the power I have is with a dust rag and vacuum. I like letting my paternal instincts run wild. I'm naturally carring and motherly and I love to feel like I can protect the ones I love in some way.

12. Pain. No matter how much I complain, I actually like having that pain. It reminds me that Im human. It also reminds me that while there's pain now, that the free feeling of the pain being lifted is so much more euphoric. I will actually end up causing injury on myself (never drawing blood) to stop the emotional pain from showing. I'll bite my tongue with my 'fangs' or dig my nails into my palm to keep myself from getting angry or crying when people are around.

Wow. I made it past 10. YAY!

10 things I hate.

1. Crying. Even though, sometimes I need to cry, I hate it. It makes me feel weak. I know it's not true but I still feel it. I also hate that whenever I cry anymore, there's only one person that knows it and he's miles away. No one realizes when I cry, therefore, they cant help me through my breakdown. I also hate being told to suck it up because, sometimes you just need to cry. If Im told "Aww hun. Dont cry." or "Shut up and stop your blubbering!" Immediatly, I do what I'm told and it makes me feel worse later.

2. Being told I look depressed or to smile. A lot of the time, when I'm not smiling, I'm not actually depressed at the moment. Just calm or numb. I dont want to smile because there isn't anything to smile about at the moment. I hate being told I look depressed because generally when I'm told I look that way, I'm actually not...up until I'm reminded that there's a lot to be depressed about, therefore, bringing on the depression to start. I also dont like being told to smile or to cheer up when I feel upset. I just need time to let everything roll off of me. If I'm told to smile, I smile. Then everything becomes bottled up and I break down later.

3. Complaining. I hate complaining. As much as I do it, it makes me feel guilty that I put my issues on other people. Ive been told by every one of my friends that it isnt complaining and just opening up, but it doesnt feel that way to me. As I was growing up, everytime I tried to open up to anyone, everyone immediatly threw me down and told me to stop complaining and that they didnt want to hear it. It began to build up a habit and that's why I have problems opening up and everytime I do I feel terribly guilty.

4. Being left. One of my greatest fears is being left behind or leaving people. I've lost so many people I cant even begin to care to count. The very thought of losing someone I love in anyway shape or form is enough to cause me to break down.

5. Being trapped. Ive lived in a cage and it's caused me to struggle more and more to be free. Even my parents are begining to notice it, but they're so scared of losing me, they just hold on tighter and tighten the chains. I hate not being able to stretch and go and do what I want. It's part of life, that stage where you learn to move around in your world. I'm still trapped and I hate it.

6. Extremes of pain. As much emotional and physical pain I inflict on myself, I dont like it going to extremes. There's only so much I can take and at this point, I'm bent to breaking point.

7. Being told where my home is. My parents have moved me around so much through my life, I havent been able to find any roots. Once I moved to where I currently am, almost at once, I felt at home. Now I'm going to have to move again and I'm not too happy about leaving my house, but as long as it is in the same town as I am in now, I'm actually okay with it. Whenever my parents came close to mentioning moving 8 hours away, I threw the biggest fit I ever have in front of them, and truthfully scared them. I used my temper...to and extent. And now they try harder than ever to make sure to find a house in the same town im in now. I think they know that if they moved me farther than 20 minutes away then I would run away without regret. I dont like being told where my home is. My home is where my heart is, and it's definatly not with my family at the moment. It's with my friends. So if they move me far enough away, they're gunna have a missing daughter and a friggin world war in their hands.

8. Things messy. There's only so much mess I can tolerate. I actually am very OCD (CDO) and I have to have it clean or else I feel chlosterphobic. Everthing, even food, has to be absolutly perfect.

9. Masks and Walls. As much as I love to block myself off to stop from being hurt or from hiding from my family so I can get the best effect later on, I hate having them. They're too much pressure on me and I often lose myself behind them. Ive been hiding so long, I truely still dont know what I look like beneith them all.

10. Being as young as I am. Sure I love being young, and the benifits of it, but I dont feel fifteen going on sixteen. I feel in my twenties. I know for a fact that if I walked out of my house at this very moment, I could live on my own even better than my parents. Ive never been young. Ive always been an old soul. So when people look at me and how much Ive been hurt and how much I can hold, they always say "You're too young to know that pain. It's insane. How?" Or something similar. (which I've gotten a lot from every one). It kind of bugs me because I know Im not young. Ive never been young. I went from child to adult. Skipping teenage years. I know a lot even if it is in theory and I've experianced enough to have wounds deep enough that they just wont heal.

A/N: This is not all based on what one person has said. The things listed are ONLY the ones that have happened and been said by multiple people and some of them by everyone at one point. If you have cared to read this, I thank you. And you dont have to change anything to make it all work for me. Heck it might just bug me even more lol. Maybe not. Idk. You could try i guess if you really felt like making the effort. This is just as much for me as for all of you. I thank you all greatly for your patence with me through anything and it really does mean a lot to me. More than you know. Love you all.